Tag Archives: why

Fighting Myself

It happened suddenly… it’s one of the reasons why I haven’t written in so long. On June 5th, I met a man who sees more in me than I’ve ever been willing to see in myself. Despite everything I throw at him he refuses to leave… if anything he becomes more stubborn to stay and show me how he sees me. He uses elegant words and phrases to tell me who I am to him, who God is to him, who he was and who he wants to be. I get tongue-tied, awkward in my own skin and fearing the day that he realizes what he’s done, and who I am. It’s taken a toll on me, this fear, and its come to the point that I’ve realized that its not his fault. It’s mine – and I’m tired of fighting myself.  Continue reading

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The Real Battle

“Do you know what I want?”

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

“I was hoping you would be able to tell me.”  Continue reading

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Forced to Write

One of the downsides to choosing to double major with Creative Writing so late, is the requirements. After taking the amazing advanced writing classes that inspired me to pursue it even more, I now have to take the introduction classes. It’s these classes, or this class in particular, where I find the reason why so many people knock on MIT’s writing program. Today marks the day that I can no longer stand up for my department.  Continue reading

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It’s okay to not be okay

There’s one thing that people see as a huge flaw in the church or in Christian community as a whole, that being how it feels so fake.

Because everything, and everyone, has to be alright. There is no room for problems – God’s love casts out all sin. There is no room for being disheartened – we delight in our infirmities. There is no room for loneliness – God promised that He will never leave us nor forsake us. And God forbid if you’re mad at Him – who are you to question what God does in your life? Remember – all things work together for good. Yes, God is the answer to every problem, but that shouldn’t be a reason to ignore that problems exist.
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A Reason for God (the Discovery)

That’s often what is lacking in the presence of disbelief. There no longer seems to be a reason to have God. So what if He’s there? So what if He cares? It’s not doing anything to change or benefit my life (bad things still happen), so why should I give a damn?

This is not to say that I’ve found the answer to this question, or even to suggest that there is one. I’m writing about this because I’ve come to understand, and if not understand, to relate. Kind of.  Continue reading

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Why Me?

“Past, present, future,” he said, in his typical cryptic “yoda” fashion. I wasn’t in a mind to take that kind of thing from him, not right then. Usually it gave me a mental exercise, along the lines of, “Whatever could he mean by that?” But yesterday night, I just wasn’t having it.

“What’s that supposed to mean??”

“What do you mean what’s that supposed to mean?”

“What I just said!”

“Woah now, you actually sound mad!” Upon inspection it seemed that I was, and that’s not normal. Not with him.

After an exasperated sigh I continued to seethe, trying to calm myself down. He laughed at my efforts.

Then he remarked thoughtfully, “Don’t you know what you’re asking?”

“No!” I yelled, taking advantage of the opportunity to set his head straight, or at least to make myself clear. “I’m just trying to figure it out. I’ve talked to God about it, sure, but with Him I don’t feel as though I need to be completely coherent.” He nodded with a smile in understanding. “I’ve never really tried to talk it out with someone. I’m just… confused.”

“You’re wondering why God called you.” Continue reading

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