“Do you know what I want?”
“I don’t know, what do you want?”
“I was hoping you would be able to tell me.” Continue reading
I wish I could have my friends back.
It’s only happened three times, but for me it’s three times too many times. They were all dear to me, like brothers. And they all disappeared from my life without any kind of explanation.
I wish I could ask them why: what did I do wrong? When did this happen? Why was I the last to know that we were no longer friends? Well, I suppose I wouldn’t ask the last one.
I see them sometimes, and it baffles me how I used to know them so well a lifetime ago. Well, one of them is in Germany, so I don’t see him at all except when his posts come onto my Facebook newsfeed. Which counts, I suppose. But it’s sad too, in a way – Facebook friends, but not friends, really.
I still consider them to be my dear friends though. I’m not the kind of person who can forget what people mean to her easily. The memories will always stay with me: all the times we hung out, cried on each others shoulders, laughed together, helped each other….
But I suppose it’ll always be this way. After all, our lives have changed. I suppose we don’t know how to be friends anymore.
I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I always wish on bubbles. And they always pop in my face.
Something tells me that there should be hope at the end of this… I’m just not sure what it looks like yet. When I do, I’ll write it. I’ll post it. But for now, this is all there is.
boom. there goes the cannon.
a cannonball of memories explode your world to smitherines
unable to escape its destruction it haunts you
poison gas of contempt follows you Continue reading
I must have spoken about this before, as it has been a constant theme in my young life, but it is very true that my greatest fear in life is failure. I’m creeped out by spiders and I would prefer not to be at gunpoint, but failure itself is an umbrella under which everything else that is worth avoiding hides. As long as I can avoid failure, I can avoid all other unpleasantness, such as losing friends or disappointing my mother or getting into life-or-death situations. The only problem with this being my biggest fear is my huge aptitude for failure. Continue reading
I didn’t do what MIT students are supposed to do. At 3AM this morning, when I saw that, despite all of my foresight and planning and scheduling, I was unable to finish my assignment by 9AM this morning, simply because I didn’t understand what was going on. Instead of looking things up and searching for the answers in my notes and my textbooks and being a “real MIT student” who says, “I don’t need sleep. I need an A,” I said to myself, “I can’t do this. I need sleep.” And I’m very much afraid that I’m going to look back on this missed assignment and cry my eyes out.
“Do better, be better” is a saying that has stuck in my entire family’s vocabulary. But IRL, it’s so much harder to make any positive change stick the same way. So many times I go forward to do something, and either that something slowly (or quickly) disappears, or I completely return to a previous version of myself. Two steps forwards, four steps backwards. It’s discouraging, and now it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I can’t ask God for help. Continue reading
God didn’t save me. So what do I do with that? I can’t very well blame Him for where I put myself. It was all my fault – I didn’t do enough, and I failed.
But I prayed, I trusted Him. What good is a God who lets something important to me slip through my fingers? Continue reading
Well, that depends: what remains standing when everything else falls apart?
It’s a question I have been asking myself, and asking God, since last Saturday – April 6th. This past Saturday was the third anniversary of my father’s death. And I had completely forgotten. Continue reading