Forgive me for stumbling over my words when talking about this; I’ve never fully defined this concept, or really talked about it. Only the people who truly know me believe me when I tell them that I’ve been in my “alone place,” which is generally why they’re the only ones who know about it. But perhaps now is a good time to bring the darkness into the light, in a sense, both for me to truly say what this place is, and to bring it outside of me to be examined, questioned, and hopefully in the end, destroyed. It’s the general consensus that it’s good to have some time alone, but for me, it’s mentally, physically, and spiritually draining. The scariest part is not being able to notice until I’m out. Continue reading
Something tells me that there should be hope at the end of this… I’m just not sure what it looks like yet. When I do, I’ll write it. I’ll post it. But for now, this is all there is.
boom. there goes the cannon.
a cannonball of memories explode your world to smitherines
unable to escape its destruction it haunts you
poison gas of contempt follows you Continue reading
I’ve seen the beauty of a new morning, and the depravity that comes with the night. I’ve seen the harsh reality that light exposes in a situation, and I’ve seen the relief of innocence that is protected in the dark. I’ve seen astounding views that show the beauty of Creation and the good in the world, and I’ve seen astounding views that show the evil man is capable of in a dying world. I’ve seen people who inspire, and I’ve seen them do what was previously impossible. I’ve seen people lose their spirits, and I’ve seen them slowly deteriorate under the weight of failure. I’ve seen people being encouraged and the moments of their transformation. I’ve seen dreams die and hearts turn hard. In my mind’s eye I’ve seen things that will never happen, alternate realities where the past happened differently, and dreams that I’m afraid to see come true. All these things that I’ve seen amount to nothing much more than images that come and go, though some are seared into my memory. But that can’t be it. There must be a reason for seeing beyond simply taking in information. And I’m afraid I don’t have the tools to do much more than just see.
I didn’t do what MIT students are supposed to do. At 3AM this morning, when I saw that, despite all of my foresight and planning and scheduling, I was unable to finish my assignment by 9AM this morning, simply because I didn’t understand what was going on. Instead of looking things up and searching for the answers in my notes and my textbooks and being a “real MIT student” who says, “I don’t need sleep. I need an A,” I said to myself, “I can’t do this. I need sleep.” And I’m very much afraid that I’m going to look back on this missed assignment and cry my eyes out.
There’s one thing that people see as a huge flaw in the church or in Christian community as a whole, that being how it feels so fake.
Because everything, and everyone, has to be alright. There is no room for problems – God’s love casts out all sin. There is no room for being disheartened – we delight in our infirmities. There is no room for loneliness – God promised that He will never leave us nor forsake us. And God forbid if you’re mad at Him – who are you to question what God does in your life? Remember – all things work together for good. Yes, God is the answer to every problem, but that shouldn’t be a reason to ignore that problems exist.
One of my dearest friends, who I haven’t seen in over a year, came to visit me this weekend. I always smile when he comes to mind, with his sarcastic charm, genuine criticism of humanity and society in general, as well as his mind-blowing intelligence and witticisms, it’s common for me to laugh whenever he comes to mind. Or, fall into a deep state of thought, depending on which memory takes my attention. But I always had this idea of him that he was beyond me. His existence as a human being was always so separate, his thoughts so unpredictable, that I never really felt like I could really relate to him. That never hindered me from loving him as I do. But today, he told me his thoughts, and my heart swelled with emotion for him. Mostly because I knew I couldn’t do, or say, anything to make it better. Continue reading