Chasing away the Dark

I sat at the kitchen table with the Best Intentions. My Bible is in the bag with my journal and prayer notebook at my feet. I bring out my laptop to finish listening to that sermon that blessed me so much yesterday. I make myself soup, one of my favorites, and sit to write a letter to my boyfriend, one of the many he’ll never read. Then from there, the battle began.  Continue reading

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Fighting Myself

It happened suddenly… it’s one of the reasons why I haven’t written in so long. On June 5th, I met a man who sees more in me than I’ve ever been willing to see in myself. Despite everything I throw at him he refuses to leave… if anything he becomes more stubborn to stay and show me how he sees me. He uses elegant words and phrases to tell me who I am to him, who God is to him, who he was and who he wants to be. I get tongue-tied, awkward in my own skin and fearing the day that he realizes what he’s done, and who I am. It’s taken a toll on me, this fear, and its come to the point that I’ve realized that its not his fault. It’s mine – and I’m tired of fighting myself.  Continue reading

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It’s the simple things

It’s getting ice cream on a rainy, summer day.

It’s talking until two in the morning because you’re afraid of tomorrow.

It’s knowing there’s always something to do when you’re at a loss of where to go next.

It’s wearing the perfect outfit on a day you didn’t check the weather.

It’s getting a text from the one person you wanted to hear from most.

It’s getting a call when you were scared to reach out.

It’s having someone tell you the things you needed to hear.

It’s having the rose you picked last week last much longer than you thought it would.

It’s watching the flower you planted grow.

It’s knowing that someone is praying for you.

It’s getting to finally rest after pushing yourself for so long.

It’s getting a hug when you didn’t realize you needed one.

It’s the simple things… that I look for the most.

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Uncertainty in Creativity

The problem with us dreamers is that we get used to things remaining as dreams. We never expect anything to come from our ideas. We simply have them like a security blanket – an assurance of what we could possibly do, while protecting us from the possibility of failure. We may never know whether or not our dreams could have come true or done any good, but at least we know it won’t do any harm.

Poor, poor dreamers, are we.  Continue reading

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Seeing Yourself in the Mirror

At some point or another, we’ve all had that one really good friend say to your face how horrible you are as a person. While we may not take it well, it’s things that we have to hear. Because those are the things we may ignore when we look at ourselves. On the flipside, that same really good friend sometimes tells you to your face what an amazing person you are. The reaction to this may also be negative, because we may choose not to see those traits, and instead focus on the flaws.

But what God does, what God did, is to give you the ability to look into the mirror yourself with open eyes, seeing both good and bad, both holy and evil. But it’s not right to take shame and self-pity from the bad, or pride and self-gratification from the good. All must be taken with humility: all good things come from God, and He loves us despite the bad. He wants to bring out of us the good, and He came to save us from the bad. He is, Himself, the mirror into which we look, and when we open our eyes, we see hope. Hope of who we are, and who we are to be, in Christ Jesus.

Hope and humility – the two keys necessary to continue looking into His face despite ourselves. To continue searching for Heaven.

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I forgot I love this

One of the hardest things about taking the road less traveled is remembering why you started in the first place. So many times you arrive at a fork in the road, a setback, a rut, the road ends and continues after a three foot wide chasm, and you think to yourself, “how did I get myself here?” And what’s there to make things even worse? The memories of what you left behind in order to pursue your “dream.”  Continue reading

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The Real Battle

“Do you know what I want?”

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

“I was hoping you would be able to tell me.”  Continue reading

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I fell in love with a book today

It might have been because the day is gorgeous today. Even at 9AM when I was walking to church, the sun was high and warm, and the surroundings were just… lovely.

It might have been because of the sermon today. I’ve been praying for God to give me a love for His word, and the message talked all about how precious and powerful and wonderfully good the Word is. The resonance of truth really stuck with me as I began my walk back to campus.

I do believe it was because I felt God told me to slow down. Just on my way back home I was thinking about all the things I should do, and it was if His hand fell onto my shoulder and just, halted me. I looked around and noticed anew how beautiful the day was. To my left was a bench in the sunshine, and I decided to sit, and just be. Continue reading

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Cross-shaped

Last week was hard. The series of events broke me. And it was only at the end of it all that I realized that God was there during all of it, leading me slowly back to Him.

Continue reading

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Stuck Again

You had every intention to be productive. In fact, you went out of your way to avoid your room and head to a place where the chance for productivity would be much higher than only two feet away from your bed.

You open your computer, you make some calls, and then you come to a point where your brain is just… done.

You’re stuck.

You read pointless stories.

You check and recheck facebook.

You can feel your mind taking on the consistency of a ball of silly putty resting against your forehead.

Something inside you starts yelling at you, telling you to be productive.

And do what? you ask it. But you get no reply.

So you think about ways to be productive.

Only to find that you haven’t checked your facebook in the last ten minutes, and should probably check it again.

And your email too.

When you next look at the clock, it’s two hours past when you first sat down.

And you’ve gotten nothing done. Again.

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