Fighting Myself

It happened suddenly… it’s one of the reasons why I haven’t written in so long. On June 5th, I met a man who sees more in me than I’ve ever been willing to see in myself. Despite everything I throw at him he refuses to leave… if anything he becomes more stubborn to stay and show me how he sees me. He uses elegant words and phrases to tell me who I am to him, who God is to him, who he was and who he wants to be. I get tongue-tied, awkward in my own skin and fearing the day that he realizes what he’s done, and who I am. It’s taken a toll on me, this fear, and its come to the point that I’ve realized that its not his fault. It’s mine – and I’m tired of fighting myself. 

Saying that we moved fast is a tad of an understatement. But I suppose, at this point, only a tad. We’ve slowed down a bit – my lack of self-confidence has seen to that – but our first date was last week, two weeks after we had met. Our next date will be next Thursday, exactly a month after we first met. He plans to ask me out; he’s told me this much. I’m afraid of saying yes, but I know I will anyways.

My friend told me that not knowing is the fun part about relationships. “Everyday is a new way that you guys learn about each other,” she told me over the phone. “Like take me and my boyfriend – we’ve been dating for almost two years now, and during the last roadtrip we had a couple weeks ago, it was like I got to see a whole new side of him.” Which is true, and which is exciting, and which I’m looking forward to. But I also know what it’s like to have someone look at you, and in an instant the way they see you changes: one moment you’re dear to them, the next, you’re nothing.

I know what it’s like to love someone only to have them turn to someone else on a dime. I know what it’s like to feel secure in how someone feels about me only to get the rug pulled out from under my feet. I know what it’s like to take a chance on someone only to have them shove it back in your face. I hold this pain like a wall in front of my heart. And this man… Andrew, let’s call him… means to sit in front of that wall until it crumbles to the ground.

He doesn’t do anything – he doesn’t try to convince me that I’m wrong, or that I’m overreacting or that everything that has happened to me in the past isn’t valid. He simply… he’s simply himself. With that goofy grin of his and his wise words and his gentle spirit the wall seems to fall, brick by brick, of its own accord. And it’s frightening to watch.

Despite all that I know about how relationships can go wrong, I’ve never actually had a boyfriend. I’ve had “episodes,” which I like to think of God’s way to give me a crash course in what not to do when the right man comes along. But I soon believed that it was evidence stacked against my desire to love and be loved. I believed that it was to help me realize that it was better for me to be alone.

Literally the day after I had come to that conclusion, I meet Andrew. The coincidence is still as staggering as ever, and the result of such a fated meeting is still mind-blowing. Because… forgive me for breaking down for a moment… but he is absolutely wonderful. More than anything I could have asked God for, and definitely more than I deserve. He’s so thoughtful, kind, generous, and full of the grace and power of God. Absolutely overflowing in his love for God. A love that continues to inspire me. And he even wishes to share that love with me, to grow with me, despite everything that I have thrown at him to convince him he is wrong.

He loves me.

The worst part about the whole scenario is that I have no right to stand my ground and be so… stubborn. He has every right – everything I’ve been through he’s been through ten times over. He should have given up on love years ago. He is six years older than I am and could have very well resigned himself to the life of a bachelor, seeing time and circumstances and God’s way of letting him know that he will never be loved. For goodness sakes, with everything he’s been through he could have given up on life just as easily.

But he saw me. He saw me, and he threw caution to the wind. He tells me stories of how God has shown up in his life and has pulled him from the pit time and time again. He often tells me of how it is faith that brought us together, how his faith in God made him bold enough to pursue me. How my faith in God made me open enough to allow him. And yet I’ve come to the point where my faith is faltering – because I believe that, not only do I not deserve this, but that I’ll do something to ruin it all.

I’m trying to move past that. I’m praying that God will heal my heart, hopefully completely before Thursday, when he comes for the 4th of July weekend. Oh, that’s another sad thing. He lives in Jersey. I’m in Boston. LDR was never really in my plans… then again, neither was a man quite like Andrew. God is pulling out all of these insecurities that I thought I had thrown out by now, and opening my eyes to the fears I had thought I had overcome. And part of me wants to just throw them away and run into his arms and thank God for his goodness and smile and laugh and know that I am loved and that God has given me  the desires of my heart… yet I fight against the part of me that feels like it is too good to be true.

He’s made my life so happy… and I’ve made my life so hard. I pray that God comes in with His healing Presence and brings my life peace.

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