The Real Battle

“Do you know what I want?”

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

“I was hoping you would be able to tell me.” 

This is the kind of dialogue that often runs in my head. As though I’m asking God to clarify things for me, and only the clueless voice inside my head responds. It usually comes up in times where I don’t know what to do next, or “stuck”, as I’ve referenced it as before. The uncertainty is aggravating, and I often get frustrated with myself for not know why a certain unknown feeling or emotion seems to take over my abilities to move. But this morning, the dialogue changed a bit:

“Do you know what I want?”

“I don’t know, what do you want?”

“I want… I wish I could do things easily. I know they would be hard, but to get to the point where what I’m doing is hard… I want that process to be easy. I don’t want to fight myself when the fight to come is hard enough on it’s own. I wish I didn’t have to fight myself.”

And with that, it was as though everything made more sense. The discontent I felt, the uneasiness, even the aggravation all seemed to actually come from somewhere. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t mind a challenge, but what I didn’t realize consciously was the actual obstacle that stands in my way. It’s not time, it’s not the complexity of the problem, it’s myself.

Thus lending credibility to the words, “I am my own worst enemy.”

You don’t have to look far to understand that I have a lot of things to fight against within myself. External battles never seem to be my biggest problem. But why? Is it selfishness? Is it pride? Why must I fight two battles in one?

I suppose that’s where I am now, although it’s a bit encouraging to figure out this much. Not because it wasn’t something concrete before, but because I now understand that my focus can’t be on completing my task. My focus now has to be on getting myself to my task; that’s where the real battle is.

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