It feels like such a novel concept, in a way. The idea that by leaving something behind, there will be more that God will reveal. It’s odd to think about, especially considering it’s the basis of my faith: by putting behind our sinful man, God fills us up with His Love, His Presence; by letting go of this world, He brings us into His Kingdom. But I guess I never, until now, realized that it applies to this. To him. And to myself.
Let me explain: in the question of love I’ve always been a novice, having just turned 20 and never been kissed. And yet God has given me a lot of wisdom on that front, as I have learned from those around me the do’s and don’ts and the “this is God’s way,” and have seen the fruit of all these things. In addition, while I may be considered an extrovert of monumental proportions, I have an alone space that sucks me in in the darkest times, a place where I can hide in the depths of my cynicism and depression. These two areas have been brought to the forefront, and up until now, all I’ve seen is the reason to give them to God.
I know that this one young man, despite our mutual feelings, is not someone God wanted me to be with. I know that my alone space is a barrier from God, and that I should work to avoid it, to stay in God’s light and His presence. I know why I had to give up these things for God and for the sake of my faith. But I never considered that it was also for me.
It’s been hard thus far because all I feel coming if I let them go is emptiness. Without him, I’ll be alone, again. I’ll shove his love for me in his face and choke the love I have for him all for God’s sake. I’ll be vulnerable and broken in the sight of the world, without a place to hide, all to obey Him. The alternative to holding onto these things, while good in God’s kingdom, seemed to only leave me with an emptiness I felt as though I could not live with. Only today did my dear sister remind me that God will never leave me empty.
Never did I consider that letting these things go would be to fill me up more. It’s as though God is calling me to cross the Jordan – to take a leap of faith and cross from a land that is “okay,” to the land flowing with milk and honey that has been promised to me from before the world began. To walk from my old homeland into a journey of fulfillment and joy. To trust Him to not leave me stranded. To have the courage to turn from the land of Egypt, to understand that I will never look back because of the joy set before me. To believe in His promises. To enter into the Kingdom.
I’m not quite sure what that looks like now, but now I know what to look for, and what questions to ask. And I pray that God continues to change my heart, so that this new knowledge and wisdom will make its home in my heart, that I may thrive in pleasing Him. That I may enter into the adventure He has called me to.