Due to my stubbornness, I have been running from God for a very long time. Today, I learned that God has been running after me.
The feeling has been building since the beginning of the semester. It was the end of a very trying period, and my faith was shaky, to say the least. And so when I entered this semester thinking that it would be the same as last semester, I was very, very disappointed. Everything was harder, messier, crazier; my friends were more distant, my initiative was gone, and worst of all, I couldn’t hear Jesus. Of course, there were good days where I would see Him, and bad days where all I could see was myself. But today God brought everything together and pointed me down the path He has for me. And as much as I may try to run, I remember that that was exactly what I had asked for.
I always pray to God that I want nothing more than to do my will for me, and that all I want the Holy Spirit to do is to open my eyes to what it is God wants from me, and how it is I can continue to follow Him. I ask for Him to place my feet on the right path, but only do so gently – for I am weak, and my stubbornness makes things hard. I pray for Him to have mercy for me. And in His abundant wisdom and grace, that is exactly what He did.
It started with the Spiritual Formation day retreat I went to last Saturday. I felt a tugging in my spirit that I should go. And I wanted to go, initially – I wanted to find my zeal for God again. What I found instead was an entire barrage of things that challenged my faith and attacked the walls that I had built. I told people that “it was awkward” and that “I didn’t feel very comfortable there.” But the truth was that it was everything that I had been running away from: community, messiness, and deep, penetrating honesty. Why I was running away from those things at all is worth a whole ‘nother post on its own, but suffice it to say that over the past week, God brought up each issue individually, forcing me to look at it for what it truly is. Lack of love is selfishness; judgement is pride, and so is loving too much; my priorities are messed up; I try to take too much control; I need to trust him; the list keeps going on. But instead of focusing so much on the negative, God continues to bring in the solution: His Son. And today, He showed me why He is making these things clear to me: because He wants me to delve more into growing my Spirit, all in the goal of being close to Him, and doing His will on the earth.
Yes, it’s a lot, and yes, I still have a lot of questions, and yet I’m excited and upset and frustrated and confused and have no idea where to start but I know one thing: I trust Him. I love Him, and I’m waiting on Him.
I may not be ready, God, but I’m willing. But please, have mercy.