My friend described my past summer as a “vision quest,” a Native American tradition of sending out the youth in pursuit of some sort of revelation. While somewhat accurate, it’s missing the key element, which is that God aspect that never seems to let me go (thank God): I went in search of myself, but I came back with a revelation of God. It’s interesting, but the more I look to myself and look for myself and try to find the meaning of my life and how I relate to people, the more depressing life becomes. Perhaps I’m alone in this, but I see the gifts I have, I see the opportunities I’ve been given, yet I cannot help but feel like a constant failure. My lack of wisdom in certain situations, the evil that I always fall back into for the sake of not having to fight against it anymore, are only a few of the many elements that I see in myself that make me hopeless. I can’t do it, and what’s worse, I can’t do it without God.
What makes that fact somewhat unfortunate (yet completely relieving) is the fact that I must always be close to God in order to achieve the goals that He has set out for me. What makes that hard is when I continually misunderstand the purpose of Jesus’ sacrifice – I often feel that I am too dirty to wash myself clean in the stream of His mercy. It was a realization that came from God through one of my dear brothers: it was for the sick that Jesus came to heal, it was for the loveless that He came to love, and no matter how many times the Prodigal Son may leave his father’s house, there will always be a celebration waiting for him – because the sacrifice was too great, our son-ship with God too strong, to let a finite amount of “straying away” get in the way of the grace He desires to show us. If you’ve seen my previous post, you kind of understand my thought process through accepting this fantastic love that God has chosen to show to me, to everyone.
This is probably more of a blanket statement of all the things I learned this summer. Yet the familiar fear that I would forget everything reared its ugly head. Since all the Bible summer camps I went to as a child, I would always be afraid to go home, because I knew I would just return to the same person that I was before. The closeness that I felt with God, the newness of these revelations would soon cease, and I would have to climb back up all over again. I’m afraid of not growing from all I have learned this summer.
The same friend who likened my summer to a vision quest then told me (as I was relating most of this to him) to write it all down – to tell him what I learned. What follows is my conversation with me, and the truth that erased this fear from my mind.
Him: how was your trip?
Me: it was hardbut it was goodi just hope that i never forget the lessons i learnedH: what did you learn?M: about prioritieshow to see people’s motiviations behind their workand that motivations do in fact change the way that you do your work – it doens’t matter of the end result is the same, but a good motivation will make the path much smootherthat i’m one in a million – i’m actually a stranger in this worldthe way that i see the truth is not the way anyone else does, at least not in the business worldthat i need to work on being too kind and understandingi need to use more wisdom to be able to reach a solution that will benefit everyone – not being so quick to sacrifice myself for others, as i may be dragging mine down with mewowsounds like a vision questvision quest?its a native american right of passage where they go into the wilderness without supplies, until they have an epiphanywell, thats basically what it is anywayshuhhahahaha i gues sthat’s sort of wat it isboth last year and this yeari’ve learned so much about who i am, my gifts, what God wants of me and how i can use my gifts besti’m just afraid that i’ll forget and fall backwards, and have to relearn all of this all over againwrite it down thenhaha working on itbut its funny, i write so many things down that havnt been written on my heartlol i can’t be perfect, i guess i shuld just accept that it’s a possibilitymy biggest battle isn’t with relearning it – if i relearn everything, perhaps i’ll know it better than i know it nowand then it’ll be a good thing ^^that’s another thing i learned, picking my battles – priorities, as it werei can either spend all my time being angry with my boss, or realize that im not there to work for him, but rather to work for the studentsagain, motivations change everythingyou have definitely found good ways to look at lifenot to just look at life, but live lifei realized that i’ve been so discontent because i keep looking at wat i dont havebut wen i turn my head to look at what blessings God has given me… all i want to do is thank Himand the best way to do that is to use the things He’s given memy education, my opportunities, my skills, my giftsLIFEit’s beautiful
And this is only the beginning.