hey God, it’s been a long time.
it’s been a long while since i’ve left myself idle
not to pursue the devil’s wiles
but just to speak to you.
God, i know i’m a sinner
i know I’ve dropped the ball many times over
i know i’ve let myself fall without getting closer
to the truth that my only salvation, my only redemption
is in you. God.
God. I know I don’t have the words
to speak your will into this earth
because i don’t even know how to speak life into my own soul
but please, hear me.
I’ve fallen, and can’t get up
I’ve turned from my path and can’t catch up
to the place where you want me to be, Father.
to the place where i can say i’m your daughter.
because right now… right now i feel vile
caked in the residue of unholy desires
stuck in my own will that only backfires
and holds me back from achieving this dire
need to be whole again. to have joy again.
it’s been days since i’ve picked up your word
weeks since i’ve felt your word burn away the yearning i have for love.
hours since ive cried out for help.
i dont want to be… me.
i dont want to be… here.
i hate me, i hate it here, i hate not being close to thee
like it says in psalms im that wandering sheep
poised on the ledge unable to turn around and see
that there is light.
all i see is the drop from the ledge and sometimes i wish i could just cross that edge
just take that step that will take me from this place of too much potential and not enough energy
because it is killing me to be here.
at least there is not here.
but then i hear. for a moment i hear. i hear your name, your voice, spoken into my ear.
not by me but by the people near me – my friends. my family. my angels and mentors and confidantes and teachers
they tell me your words and i remember you promised
that even though this road is hard you will never be far… from me. that…
everytime you run… everytime you hide…
everytime it hurts… evertime you cry…
everytime you run away… everytime you hide your face…
and it feels so far away i’m right here… with you.
and so i’m able to lift my head and turn instead from the ledge that would take me from you…
… for a time.
sooner rather than later im back on that cliff face no better than that traitor who sold you for a case of silver.
and its because i remember where ive been and i remember what ive done that i think it better just to jump
and let gravity take over.
’cause it would be better than standing on the edge of a cliff with the words guilty printed across my chest
so that everyone can see that my life is a mess instead… i jump.
oh but father God i didn’t know it would be like this.
i didn’t think i could ever feel so helpless
unable to resist the force that’s pulling me down
unable to take the pain from hitting against the rocks on my way down.
but… i haven’t reached the bottom.
thank God i haven’t reached the bottom.
thank you… Jesus… for saving me from the bottom.
sometimes… when i’m still, when i release my will,
i feel the shepherd’s rod you placed around my waist
you caught your wandering sheep from falling too deep
just waiting until i say i want to be pulled up.
the answer is simple, right?
all i gotta do is turn to you, my Savior, and say
please, pull me back to the light!
forgive me for my slight, let me bear the beauty of your glory in my testimony
when you bring everything back to right.
but there is a disconnect.
i cannot conect my thoughts to my actions, my faith to my life
i find myself most circumspect to taking my place as one of the elect
to put my life in his hands and have my path directed
by the one who has perfected the passage of time
so i hang there.
secure by yourlove and your promises and your truth that has girded my waist for you are faithful
yet unable to have more than that, to go farther than that, so i let time go to waste.
and then i see this again and i hate this again and i cry out again for help…
rinse. and repeat.
God, I’m done with this merri-go-round
I’m tired of being the just “good enough” Christian
who takes advantage of your sacrifice in order to justify their way of life
who speaks of you only to others like you and hides the truth from those you came
i want… to change.
i want to make this robe of CHristianity into a skin
one that fits without a glitch because it is designed by your will.
hahaha… yet there, my words reveal my weakness, my desire for control
so let me rephrase that to give you the main role:
Father, make my whole. change me to look more like your son.
beat on my heart until its your permanent home
shape me, mold me, to be only yours.
Jesus, forgive me for taking advantage of your pain
for unerestimating the power of your name
for hiding your way, your truth, and your life from those who need the Father.
Holy Spirit, guide me,
do not turn away from me,
though i often ignore your voice that implores me to walk the right path to the will that the Father has
please, be patient with me. please, teach me. please, speak to me.
make my spiritual life real to me.
realer than this other life
call attention to the spiritual battle of which i am apart
help me put on my armor to i can fight
help me see my armor so i know how to fight
help me learn how to fight.
the centurion whose son you healed
spoke the truth of what it meant to lead
he knew what it was to have power under authority
he knew that his words could make a man jump to do his bidding
but only because he was a soldier held in esteem by the army
it was his faith that saved his son
it was his conviction, his simple audacity
that what he commanded would have a result
that brought that man joy in the life of his son.
i know i’m far away, God
i know i’m so removed
i know i’m not good enough, father God
i know i’m so far gone.
but you said to come boldly to the throne… so i am here
you said that i am a new creation.. so i claim it
you said that you give me life… so i recieve it
you said that i am your child… and so i am.
and with this knowledge of who i am in you, Father
i take these words and i say in your name, Jesus
with the simple audacity of a man of stature
i take it and say boldly as an outcast
an ex-outcast now joined to the one
the one who has all might, all power, all love
that my life is all yours, Father.
i renounce the death that has taken ahold of me
i speak to my work, my time, my life
that they will no longer keep me away from thee,
instead they will reflect who you are, Father.
for i. am. your. daughter.