hey God

hey God, it’s been a long time.

it’s been a long while since i’ve left myself idle

not to pursue the devil’s wiles

but just to speak to you. 

God, i know i’m a sinner

i know I’ve dropped the ball many times over

i know i’ve let myself fall without getting closer

to the truth that my only salvation, my only redemption

is in you. God.

God. I know I don’t have the words

to speak your will into this earth

because i don’t even know how to speak life into my own soul

but please, hear me.

I’ve fallen, and can’t get up

I’ve turned from my path and can’t catch up

to the place where you want me to be, Father.

to the place where i can say i’m your daughter.

because right now… right now i feel vile

caked in the residue of unholy desires

stuck in my own will that only backfires

and holds me back from achieving this dire

need to be whole again. to have joy again.

it’s been days since i’ve picked up your word

weeks since i’ve felt your word burn away the yearning i have for love.

hours since ive cried out for help.

help… me.

i dont want to be… me.

i dont want to be… here.

i hate me, i hate it here, i hate not being close to thee

like it says in psalms im that wandering sheep

poised on the ledge unable to turn around and see

that there is light.

all i see is the drop from the ledge and sometimes i wish i could just cross that edge

just take that step that will take me from this place of too much potential and not enough energy

because it is killing me to be here.

at least there is not here.

but then i hear. for a moment i hear. i hear your name, your voice, spoken into my ear.

not by me but by the people near me – my friends. my family. my angels and mentors and confidantes and teachers

they tell me your words and i remember you promised

that even though this road is hard you will never be far… from me. that…

(/song)

everytime you run… everytime you hide…

everytime it hurts… evertime you cry…

everytime you run away… everytime you hide your face…

and it feels so far away i’m right here… with you.

(/end)

and so i’m able to lift my head and turn instead from the ledge that would take me from you…

… for a time.

sooner rather than later im back on that cliff face no better than that traitor who sold you for a case of silver.

and its because i remember where ive been and i remember what ive done that i think it better just to jump

and let gravity take over.

’cause it would be better than standing on the edge of a cliff with the words guilty printed across my chest

so that everyone can see that my life is a mess instead… i jump.

i fall.

oh but father God i didn’t know it would be like this.

i didn’t think i could ever feel so helpless

unable to resist the force that’s pulling me down

unable to take the pain from hitting against the rocks on my way down.

but… i haven’t reached the bottom.

thank God i haven’t reached the bottom.

thank you… Jesus… for saving me from the bottom.

sometimes… when i’m still, when i release my will,

i feel the shepherd’s rod you placed around my waist

you caught your wandering sheep from falling too deep

just waiting until i say i want to be pulled up.

the answer is simple, right?

all i gotta do is turn to you, my Savior, and say

please, pull me back to the light!

forgive me for my slight, let me bear the beauty of your glory in my testimony

when you bring everything back to right.

but there is a disconnect.

i cannot conect my thoughts to my actions, my faith to my life

i find myself most circumspect to taking my place as one of the elect

to put my life in his hands and have my path directed

by the one who has perfected the passage of time

so i hang there.

secure by yourlove and your promises and your truth that has girded my waist for you are faithful

yet unable to have more than that, to go farther than that, so i let time go to waste.

and then i see this again and i hate this again and i cry out again for help…

rinse. and repeat.

God, I’m done with this merri-go-round

I’m tired of being the just “good enough” Christian

who takes advantage of your sacrifice in order to justify their way of life

who speaks of you only to others like you and hides the truth from those you came

to save.

i want… to change.

i want to make this robe of CHristianity into a skin

one that fits without a glitch because it is designed by your will.

hahaha… yet there, my words reveal my weakness, my desire for control

so let me rephrase that to give you the main role:

Father, make my whole. change me to look more like your son.

beat on my heart until its your permanent home

shape me, mold me, to be only yours.

Jesus, forgive me for taking advantage of your pain

for unerestimating the power of your name

for hiding your way, your truth, and your life from those who need the Father.

Holy Spirit, guide me,

do not turn away from me,

though i often ignore your voice that implores me to walk the right path to the will that the Father has

please, be patient with me. please, teach me. please, speak to me.

make my spiritual life real to me.

realer than this other life

call attention to the spiritual battle of which i am apart

help me put on my armor to i can fight

help me see my armor so i know how to fight

help me learn how to fight.

the centurion whose son you healed

spoke the truth of what it meant to lead

he knew what it was to have power under authority

he knew that his words could make a man jump to do his bidding

but only because he was a soldier held in esteem by the army

it was his faith that saved his son

it was his conviction, his simple audacity

that what he commanded would have a result

that brought that man joy in the life of his son.

i know i’m far away, God

i know i’m so removed

i know i’m not good enough, father God

i know i’m so far gone.

but you said to come boldly to the throne… so i am here

you said that i am a new creation.. so i claim it

you said that you give me life… so i recieve it

you said that i am your child… and so i am.

and with this knowledge of who i am in you, Father

i take these words and i say in your name, Jesus

with the simple audacity of a man of stature

i take it and say boldly as an outcast

an ex-outcast now joined to the one

the one who has all might, all power, all love

that my life is all yours, Father.

i renounce the death that has taken ahold of me

i speak to my work, my time, my life

that they will no longer keep me away from thee,

instead they will reflect who you are, Father.

for i. am. your. daughter.

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2 thoughts on “hey God

  1. I felt like these words could have come directly from my head. I can completely relate. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

  2. […] away” get in the way of the grace He desires to show us. If you’ve seen my previous post, you kind of understand my thought process through accepting this fantastic love that God has […]

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