“Do better, be better” is a saying that has stuck in my entire family’s vocabulary. But IRL, it’s so much harder to make any positive change stick the same way. So many times I go forward to do something, and either that something slowly (or quickly) disappears, or I completely return to a previous version of myself. Two steps forwards, four steps backwards. It’s discouraging, and now it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I can’t ask God for help.
Sure, I mean, if I were continuously moving forward and I just hit a hard patch, a couple prayers and that rough patch would smooth out no problem (thank you, Jesus!). But what about those times where I just quit? I see the wall, and I just sit down in front of it. Or worse, turn a quick 180 and forget about it. Especially when I do things like this consciously, it’s hard for me to stop and turn around to face God’s grace. Especially when it happens about the 10th or 11th time.
But I know better. I know that Jesus did not only come to save us from our sins, but to free us from its shame. The shackles we wore have been removed, the bruises have been healed, and all that jazz. Even still, it’s hard for me to look at Jesus’ face and just shrug and be like, “Oops. Guess I messed up again, eh, Jesus?” Like a dog returning to it’s vomit. I feel disgusting. Like I’m too dirty to be cleaned.
I know I can’t make myself better on my own. If anything can prove that point it’s the struggles that I still face and lose. It’s the fact that I’m still here, convinced only in head knowledge and not in my heart that I actually can be victorious. And so it comes to these moments where I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying “Aaaay yo, guess I’m a zeero.” (That… was really lame. I apologize for that. Profusely.)
It’s been easy in the past to simply give it all to God and keep walking forwards, but right now, I don’t want to go forward with the sure knowledge that I’ll go backward again. So now… I don’t know what to do.
How does one break out of a cycle?