God didn’t save me. So what do I do with that? I can’t very well blame Him for where I put myself. It was all my fault – I didn’t do enough, and I failed.
But I prayed, I trusted Him. What good is a God who lets something important to me slip through my fingers?
These and more were the questions I wrestled with after getting the news that I had failed. I was filled with a feeling of helplessness. What do I do now that everything I worked so hard for has come to nothing? But if I would be honest with myself, there was also a feeling of betrayal. I trusted God that He would bring me through this. I believed that He would help me. Even through it all I felt clarity and a surety that God was there with me. So was He truly there? Or was it my imagination?
I know better than that. I believe better than that. The knowledge at the back of my mind that stems from a faith that has grown so much recently refuses to let me believe that God was not there. But perhaps my redemption will come later.
I learned a lot from this. I learned another meaning of the verse “faith without works is dead.” There is nothing in having faith if there is no work that accompanies it. This is true in all cases: faith is empty without the support of actions. Does that mean that prayer isn’t enough? Well, I suppose it isn’t. Yes, prayer is a powerful tool, and yes, God hears all our prayers. But what’s the point of asking God for something if you won’t walk towards it as well? I guess it’s just as good as asking a fortune teller if your future is favorable.
I once said before that God is not a spiritual vending machine. And yet, I suppose that mentality is more deeply rooted that I had previously assumed. I know that I shouldn’t go to God for the sake of wanting something, but what if I’m in trouble? Doesn’t that count for anything? And if faith without works is dead, what on earth are you supposed to do when you’re stuck and you can’t do anything?
Trust Him. Simply trust Him. Trust is the active form of faith, where you continue to walk forward, knowing that He has not left you, and that He will not let you fall. I’ve failed, yes, this will make things much harder for me in my future. But if my faith, if God, mean anything to me at all, I will keep walking. I will look to His promises, and I will continue to praise Him for the goodness He has shown me in the past. Just because I do not see it now does not mean He’s not there at all. And while I still breathe and I still live and I still see God’s hand working even in my past, I must keep moving forward, knowing and trusting that He’s already there in my future.