“Past, present, future,” he said, in his typical cryptic “yoda” fashion. I wasn’t in a mind to take that kind of thing from him, not right then. Usually it gave me a mental exercise, along the lines of, “Whatever could he mean by that?” But yesterday night, I just wasn’t having it.
“What’s that supposed to mean??”
“What do you mean what’s that supposed to mean?”
“What I just said!”
“Woah now, you actually sound mad!” Upon inspection it seemed that I was, and that’s not normal. Not with him.
After an exasperated sigh I continued to seethe, trying to calm myself down. He laughed at my efforts.
Then he remarked thoughtfully, “Don’t you know what you’re asking?”
“No!” I yelled, taking advantage of the opportunity to set his head straight, or at least to make myself clear. “I’m just trying to figure it out. I’ve talked to God about it, sure, but with Him I don’t feel as though I need to be completely coherent.” He nodded with a smile in understanding. “I’ve never really tried to talk it out with someone. I’m just… confused.”
“You’re wondering why God called you.” I thought about that one for a moment.
“Well… yeah. I guess. I mean, He’s shown me a lot of what He has for me and what He wants for me, but I’m such an unfortunate individual,” I complained with my head in my hands. “But at the same time, you can’t really question that – that’s second guessing God’s judgement, and no one can do that.”
“But you’re still wondering why.” I let my silence speak for itself.
“Past, present, future.” My thoughts quickly turned to how I could do permanent bodily harm to this cheeky fellow.
“What does that have to do with it?” He looked at me as though I was the one speaking in riddles. So I, patiently, explained, “What does a timeline have anything to do with why God called me?”
“What doesn’t it have to do with?”
“Stop messing with my head!”
“I’m not, I promise! Just… here.” He adjusted his seat as he prepared to explain everything to me from a different angle. “You’re a mechanical engineer. If I were to give you a ball, no, a small machine in the shape of a sphere, and I asked you what it is, how would you figure it out?” From the moment he said it I knew where he was going with it. I am, after all, a mechanical engineer.
Even still, it annoyed me to no end to provide the correct answers. “Press buttons if it has any.”
“Seeing its functionality. Future.” I fumed.
“Look at it.”
“Present.” My eye twitched.
“Do a Google search on it.”
“Elewa!” I sighed.
“… Take it apart.”
“Past. See? Past, present, and future.” I’m not sure whether he read my facial features correctly or not, but either way he stood from the chair and moved to give me a hug. I stayed in my hunched position on my bed while he hugged me, my thoughts lying on the range between being annoyed at him or annoyed at God. “You guys have a lot to talk about; I’ll go now. And don’t worry,” he said as he walked to the door, “this will help a lot. More than you know.” And with that last cryptic stab, he left. Leaving me to wrestle with exhaustion and obedience, and now a reason to be critical about my life and who that makes me to be.
And why God would want to use that.
I suppose I should simply let go of this question and trust Him that He knows what He’s doing. It’s just hard to verify that faith when all I do is make mistakes, proving to myself that I’m not qualified or able to do what He wants for me.
And yet, He continues to contradict me.
Even as I was writing this post, a friend called, asking to use a calculator for his upcoming exam. I was more than happy to lend mine to him, if only to see him. He’s got a light and bubbly charisma that always cheers me up.
When he arrived, I quickly apologized, “Sorry, I’m a bit of a hot mess right now.” Concerned, he gave me a hug (a most wonderful hug!), and wished me a good day.
I could feel how much he cared about me from his hug and admitted, “Well, if you could pray for me, I would appreciate that.” A bold thing to ask from someone who had admitted recently that he didn’t know how he felt about God. He knows where I stand on the subject, and so the fact that he complied made my heart swell with gratitude.
“Hello God,” he began cautiously, his voice high with a tint of nervousness, “I’m here with Elewa, and, I want to ask you to be with her today. She loves you God, and she really needs this. Give her a bit hug, with a lot more love than I can, so that she can feel better for the rest of her day. …Amen.”
I almost cried.
I don’t think I’ve ever been prayed over with so much sincerity and a desire to help me in a long time. As he prayed he continued to hug me, with such warmth as though God Himself was there as well. I knew He was, and I know He is – my friend prayed for it to be so, and so it is. Even he knew – right before he left he turned to me and said, “Remember, whenever you need a hug and I’m not here to give it to you, I’ve got Someone on call, 24/7. Okay?” I could only nod; I had blubbered enough by then.
When he left and I closed the door, God spoke. “You are loved.” A comfort, an assurance – no matter the reason why, one thing is true: I am loved, and I am called.