(This is meant as spoken word, but until I get the courage to actually perform it, it’ll remain in text. Perhaps one day, but it’s something I’d like to share.)
Father God, I stand before you in the midst of my inadequacy,
A breathing contradiction, the battle within me the only consistency.
I know You have paid the price for me, I know I am free,
Yet still I sit with these chains draped over me.
I know the truth, yet am unable to believe
Because I seek confirmation for a certain identification
From a world without the qualification to see the perfect inscription You have written on my heart
That I am loved. That I am Yours.
So I search for something that will make me content.
I put down Your gifts in favor of a mess that will distract me but for just a moment.
But I keep pushing, thinking if I focus,
This moment becomes a minute, that minute becomes an hour.
If I do better, be better, this drop will become a shower
Relieving me of a pain that I refuse to give a name.
So my life becomes full. And You, being ever faithful,
Give me the strength to jump over my own hurdles.
In Your unending patience You use even this
To teach me, to lead me, to where Your glory is.
I needed a push. Oh God, You knew I needed a push.
Well, really I needed a bulldozer to move my stubborn feet over
And perhaps a bomb blast to open my ears stuffed with wax
But You are merciful, Father. Thank You for Your mercy.
But now, now I am here.
Now I am here willing to hear
The lessons that you have for me.
Willing, yet frightened. Frightened of what has been hidden from my eyes
I’m afraid to identify the wordless cries that have poured from my heart and have pulled me apart.
Even now I feel I’ve seen too much.
And even though I’ve felt Your touch,
I cringe at what was once shut up in my heart of hearts.
I hate this part.
You’ve already shown me my idols –
Knowledge that once sat idle has now proven vital
To see what it is You want from me.
You’ve shown me my desire for attention,
My wayward goal for perfection,
And discontent that stems from what cannot be defined in a dictionary.
You’ve shown me how little I love myself
And issue that I always felt was kept
For only those who harm themselves.
Then You showed me the wounds I gave myself.
Even the world could see these things
Of the Spirit that You’ve given to me.
Even they could see that I am special,
When all I could see was a broken vessel.
Unable to be encouraged, refusing to be blessed,
Closing my fists so I wouldn’t take these gifts
For it was my pride that kept me under
The impression that I was already humble.
Only satisfied if I pass the test
To prove to myself that I am the best
And not the pest I’ve been deceived to see.
An what’s worse – I refused to rest.
I was convinced to receive the gratification
Of living the life God’s word has dictated,
I had to receive the justification from myself that I fit the qualification –
Qualification? More like a “callous contagion”,
A heartless infection of Luciferian diction
A diction that dictates that I am not worth it,
That I must work harder to achieve the call that God has for me or else I will fall, short —
Now that sounds familiar. Didn’t I once hear
That all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory?
Well great, so I’ll never be qualified.
So then what have I gained having tried?
Elewa, your works bring you nothing.
Nothing compared to the Gospel’s blessings.
You’ve heard it said before, from both of your fathers:
Your inheritance is in the hope of My glory.
In the oath I made, where it is impossible for Me to lie,
I promised I would bless you, the seed of Abraham,
I promised you would multiply.
For you have been saved through faith
Not of yourself, it is a gift, a taste
Of what My Spirit in you has now made possible,
For you are My daughter.
Oh, how He loves us so.
Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us so.
Oh God, oh God, so this is Joy!
Oh God, it’s amazing how well You knew
The time, the place, the right circumstance
That would open me up to take that chance
To awaken the Spirit with me;
To receive the ultimate blessing.
I knew the word You gave me before
In a time that seems so long ago.
Yet now, the same way You taught Your disciples
After they received the Spirit to finally understand it:
The beauty that was once cloaked in mystery,
So too do I now see and believe when you say (as You’ve said to me everyday),
“You are not who they say you are.
You are who I say you are.
For I AM GOD,
And you are CALLED.
Be still, and know, I am God.”