And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
“My life is a mess without Jesus,” I remember thinking yesterday on my way to work. Yesterday had just been a series of unfortunate events, with me rushing to catch the end of time and wasting it on things that were not important, or even harmful. Even this morning, in the few hours of the day, the result is the same. And so when I woke up at 7:30, an hour after my alarm and right as my swimming class began, instead of rushing to class I fell on my knees before the Father, praying that He be with me today, and for the rest of my days.
I cannot go on without Him.
I laughed yesterday as I was deliberating this fact on my way home from work. It’s almost as if I’d forgotten how to rely on myself, and that idea gave me such joy I had to laugh at myself for how odd it sounded. I remember when making a plan and sticking to it was hard, but doable. Yet I had never felt lost as I did yesterday, and even when I woke up all frazzled this morning. Though the strings of control would sometimes fall from my fingers, I could always pick up the pieces and keep going. I tried that, and instead ended up at Jesus’ door, asking for forgiveness for my waywardness, my laziness, my pride, and for pushing Him aside. I placed sleep before my time with Jesus, and leaned on my own understanding. Instead, I need to give Him control, and simply follow His lead, letting His Spirit show me what I must do, and having faith that it is leading me towards what the Father planned for me, even before the world began.
It gives me joy to think about because, if that is my line of thinking, then I have changed. In a few short days I have changed more than I have tried to do over the course of this entire blog. The weekend at the ________ retreat awakened my spirit within me, opened my eyes to the glory and power of God, and convicted me of my own flaws, showing that God is the only answer, the perfect solution, to my brokenness. I only wish I could describe the whole experience to you, but alas words fail me. I’d prefer speaking in the language of the Spirit, Tongues, in which everything is expressed perfectly and without gaps, yet that helps no one – neither you nor I would understand 😛
I wish to continue sharing with you where God brings me, as checkpoints in my walk with Him. Even if no one reads this, I know I will – and I will remember these days, and give Him praise. For He is faithful.