“…there’s no place quite so dear. It’s the closest thing to Heaven! How I wish that you were here…” Sentimental, subtly appropriate, and unable to get out of my head as I flew into SFO. Home for the holidays. Finally.
I couldn’t stop smiling as I drove home. All these places that I knew were familiar seemed so new to me. I just realized that I never truly believed this day would come, when I would leave all my books and notes back at school and come home just to be someone’s child, someone’s sister, someone’s friend. Not someone’s student (albeit I’m trying to become someone’s employee… but that’s a different story). Still, with everything God has shown me over the past semester, I’ve made it a goal to not just sleep for the entire 2 weeks that I’m separated from my college campus. No, I want this to be a Christmas that defines me, one that I can look back to as the time when I truly began to find who I am in God.
(begin existential awakening music)
The past semester has shown me my weaknesses, my passions, my desires, and my setbacks. And now I want it all to point to God. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that this world has so much that I want, and that I cannot fall into those traps. Not just for myself and what God wants for me, but also for the ones that God has called me to love. I may have the heart to love them, but I need to learn how to love them the way God does, and in order to learn how to do that I need to know how God loves. I need to be close enough to Him to learn His heart.
I may have mentioned this before, but last summer it was “revealed” to me the fact that I was, or rather am, an intercessor. The idea still seems weird to me, yet putting a name on the gift or calling that God has for me makes it impossible for me to ignore. That was probably the point of the whole thing. But now I’m trying to look deeper into what that means for me, and for hose around me. What I do know is that it means I need to have a heart that is very close to God, and an eye that is very aware to the presence and direction of the Holy Spirit. It’s quite a task, but I’m excited. It’s something that I’ve always wanted.
I was talking to a friend about my dedication to God and what that meant in terms of what I’m focused on, and he laughed in my face. He said, “Good luck finding anyone with that kind of mindset. Why don’t you save yourself the trouble and make yourself a nun?” I laughed, and still laugh, at the idea of removing myself to a place separate from dance and engineering and men (can you blame me?). But still, there’s merit enough in the thought. So I want to use this time as a sort of retreat – away from the many distractions of college and closer to God.
I’m rambling now. But I just wanted to say that this Christmas should be interesting. And if it’s not, well, there’s always spring break.