I recently had an odd conversation with myself, one that revolved around why I was a Christian. It stems from my recent search for who I am, for who God is in my life, and all that kind of existentialist crap that I thought I’d never have to get myself into. Or rather, that I hoped I’d never have to get myself into. Yet it’s a hard question to avoid, especially as a sophomore in college not yet quite sure which direction her life is turning and yet ever so scared of missing a good turn. But that’s a tangent.
I’m writing again because I have a new goal, or rather I have reinstated an old one. This is something I’ve done before, starting again, but I have to be easy on myself. The only way one can succeed is if one stands up from falling. No matter how many times it happens, it’s gotta stick at some point. The point though is to expect that it will happen this time, instead of looking forward to when you will fall again. But yet another tangent.
I just finished watching the Bourne Trilogy and I thought to myself, what kind of a life must that be, to have a mind like that? A mind that is so honed and so focused on a certain skill that actions become as well calculated as thoughts, but just much, much faster. To always be aware yet always calm because you know that you know a way out. Unhurried by the situation but always focused on the goal. I had smiled to myself and laughed because it sounded like a childish desire I once had to have an adventure, to be quick on my feet and able (both physically and mentally), to take the most exciting route in life. And so I asked God, is it possible for me to be there?
It crossed my mind that it could be where God wants me to be, the fact that this desire is hitting me so hard and has not yet quite disappeared. Of course I don’t expect to wake up tomorrow and be Jason Bourne, neither do I expect it to happen at all. My goal is to focus on my mind – change begins by changing the way you think. And the way you change the way you think is changing what you feed yourself, what you listen to, and who you listen to. So I have a challenge for myself, and I hope that by making it public it’ll be something I’ll hold onto longer than my previous projects. All I can do is try.
The challenge is to watch what I’m feeding myself, both physically and mentally. It’s true that I’m not large in the least; some of my friends love to let me know just how slim I am. But my diet needs work – I need to actually focus on feeding my body in a way that will help it grow, to hone itself. That’ll be hard on a college campus, but at the very least I can find something to hold onto.
The music I listen to, and what I look at also needs to change. For the rest of the month, maybe even til the end of the year, no more non-Christian music. I need to fill my mind with the things of God, and rest on his promises. The webcomics also have to go, as well as too much facebook. Reading books, any books at this point, would be better than that. Especially my Bible. Everyday.
Writing. Getting my thoughts out and working on my ability to communicate would help. I need to know that I can effectively speak my mind, as I think I’m going to need that skill very soon.
Perhaps it’s all a dream, but doesn’t it all start that way? At least I can try.
Lord knows why I’m putting this up on the internet… maybe I’m looking for help. Or maybe I’m trying to make it more real to myself. Either way…
the least I can do is try.